sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
