Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
