Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
