you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
