just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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