I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
