Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
