apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
my liver is dry heaving
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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