Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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