I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
