Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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