I hate your face
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
