Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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