Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
whose ass print is on the piano?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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