the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
My life is pants optional.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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