i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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