my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
