just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
