if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
