we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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