turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
