I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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