you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
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