I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
