So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
