Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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