I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
