So drunk its hurt
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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