She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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