I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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