I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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