I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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