it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
