Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
