I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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