be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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