Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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