I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
