i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
