Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
