the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
