on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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