Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
