I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
