I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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