Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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