it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
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