Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
