he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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