so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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