3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
